Texts from Last Night
by dress without sleeves
Summary: Glee shenanigans, as documented by their phones. / Five: Matt Rutherford deserves a chance to fly.
1. Buffy the Hetero Slayer

**Author's Notes:** Umm. These are weird. But if you guys are still hanging around reading the crap that I write, you're probably used to it by now.

Text From Last Night:

**Buffy the Heterosexuality Slayer**

(matt 9:00 AM): may have had sex with kurt last night

(matt 9:05): not sure but it looks bad

(mike 9:30): ...what

_1 missed call: mike_

(mike 9:45): matt

(mike 9:50): matt text me back

_2 missed calls: mike_

(mike 9:52): wtf dude where are you

(mike 9:56): MATT NO JOKE FUCKING TEXT ME

_3 missed calls: mike_

(mike 10:05): if this is some sort of prank i'm gonna fucking kill you

(mike 10:30): MATT

(mike 11:00): are you guys having sex RIGHT NOW?

(mike 11:02): slut

(mike 11:10): ok srsly text me not funny anymore

_4 missed calls: mike_

(mike 11: 12): whatever dude this is bs

_5 missed calls: mike_

(mike 11:25): MATT WTF CALL ME

_6 missed calls: mike_

_7 missed calls: mike_

_8 missed calls: mike_

(matt 1:30): hey sorry

(mike 1:32): WTF

_9 missed calls: mike_

(mike 1:35): ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE

(matt 1:45): in class can't talk

(mike 1:47): dude i'm gonna kill you

(mike 1:50): srsly i'm going to kill your whole family

(mike 1:52): take a fucking BATHROOM BREAK AND CALL ME

_10 missed calls: mike_

(mike 1:55): we're not friends anymore

(matt 2:00): sorry it was math

(matt 2:02): you know i suck at math that shit is hard

(mike 2:05): FOCUS

(mike 2:07): wtf happened with kurt?!

(matt 2:15): woke up in his bed this morning

(matt 2:17): it was weird

(mike 2:20): the sex?

(matt 2:22): no

(matt 2:24): he's a cuddler

(mike 2:30): you were CUDDLING WITH KURT

(matt 2:34): yeah but then he woke up and was like oh, hey

(matt 2:36): i think he's done this before

(mike 2:40): no shit retard he's like a poster ad for gayness

(mike 2:42): wait so did you actually have sex with him?

(matt 2:50): yeah

(matt 2:52): i think it was the drank and all the episodes of buffy

(matt 2:55): that show just gets to me

(matt 2:56): and kurt like really loves vampires

(mike 3:00): so are you like … gay now

(mike 3:15): matt

(mike 3:30): if you are it's okay

(mike 3:35): really random

(mike 3:40): but okay i guess

_11 missed calls: mike_

(matt 4:00): nah

(matt 4:10): i think its just a buffy and booze thing

(matt 4:12): kurt looks so much like sarah michelle geller in the dark it's crazy

(mike 4:15): oh okay

(mike 4:17): i'm kinda relieved not gonna lie

(matt 4:20): yeah dude me too i was worried this morning

(matt 4:25): there was something weird though

(mike 4:30): you mean besides the SEX WITH KURT thing

(matt 4:32): yeah

(mike 4:40): well what

(matt: 4:45): when i was leaving kurt said i was the third straight guy he'd sexxed

(matt 4:50): who do you think the other two were?

(matt 4:55): mike?

(matt 5:00): dude did you have sex with kurt too

(matt 5:02): mike

_4 missed calls: matt_


	2. Finding Nemo

**Author's Note: **Seeing how surprisingly popular the last one was, I thought I'd treat you all to a second edition.

Texts from Last Night

**Finding Nemo**

(santana 5:00): i'm naked

(brittany 5:02): hello, this is brittany

(santana 5:04): no shit

(santana 5:06): you don't have to answer texts like you answer the phone b

(brittany 5:10): but then how will you know who i am?

(santana 5:12): because i texted you

(brittany 5:14): but i could be anybody

(brittany 5:16): like if i was born someone else i would still think i was me

(brittany 5:17): so you just never know

(santana 5:18): b. i am naked and thinking about you.

(brittany 5:20): why are you naked is it hot in your house

(santana 5:25): i've got beads of sweat rolling down my neck

(brittany 5:30): cool! sometimes i stand really still when i get out of the shower and race the water drops

(brittany 5:32): i always win

(brittany 5:33): i think it's because i have legs

--

(santana 5:36): wanna have a threesome

(puck 5:36): every day for the rest of my life

(puck 5:37): wtf kind of question is that

(santana 5:38): ok i'll put you on party line

--

(santana 5:40): b puck is here

(brittany 5:42): hi puck!!!!! we were just talking about having legs

(puck 5:46): mmm i wanna lick every inch of those beautiful legs

(brittany 5:58): why?

(brittany 6:00): OMG ARE YOU A CARNIVAL

(puck 6:01): uhh what

(santana 6:02): it's cannibal b

(santana 6:04): carnivals have rides, cannibals eat people

(brittany 6:07): so why do you want to lick my legs?

(brittany 6:09): i just licked them

(brittany 6:10): they taste like me and the olive oil i spilled on them

(santana 6:12): i'll clean that olive oil off you with my tongue

(puck 6:14): you get the front i'll get the back

(brittany 6:15): thanks guys!!!!

(brittany 6:17): it's okay though

(brittany 6:18): i can just shower

--

(puck 6:20): santana your girl is fucking retarded

(santana 6:25): shut the fuck up puck i will fucking kill you

(puck 6:27): it's not my fault

(puck 6:28): she's hot but seriously

(puck 6:30): how the fuck did she pass the first grade

(santana 6:31): shut up or i swear to god i will have your dick shrinking in fear for the rest of your life

(puck 6:32): i love it when you talk dirty

(santana 6:34): i hope you die in a fucking car accident

(santana 6:35): want to come over

(puck 6:37): be there in 5

--

(santana 6:38): b want to come over

(brittany 6:39): yeah!!!!

(brittany 6:40): what do you want to do

(santana 6:42): have sex

(santana 6:43): with you

(santana 6:44): and puck i guess

(brittany 6:46): oh, ok

(brittany 6:51): how do i get to your house

(santana 6:53): i live next door

(santana 7:30): are you lost

(brittany 7:32): i don't know

(brittany 7:34): do you live near a zoo because i am near a zoo

(brittany 7:35): it's called st marys

(santana 7:36): brittany

(santana 7:37): how the fuck did you get all the way to augusta

(brittany 7:39): i was following birds they looked like they knew what they were doing

(santana 7:40): when i get there

(santana 7:41): we're having sex on a picnic table at least three times.

(santana 7:42): you're such a dumb bitch sometimes i swear

(brittany 7:43): can we watch finding nemo at your house afterwards

(santana 7:44): what?

(santana 7:45): i don't own finding nemo

(brittany 7:46): the one in your living room

(santana 7:51): b that's a fucking aquarium

(santana 7:53): just stay where you are and don't move

--

(puck 8:30): just got thrown out of your house

(puck 8:31): fuck you both


	3. This Is Why We Have Gun Laws

**Author's Notes:** Okay. So. It should be clear at this point that these stories are in no particular timeline or order. This one happens waaaay in the future, when the Glee kids are in college, because after going back and re-watching Mash Up I realize there was really no getting around the fact that Kid Puckerman is, like, ten.

Anyway, this is basically a crack!fic, but I hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of help, so thanks to Terri, Shananigans, and Babs for encouragement and occasional rewrites!

On with the madness!

Texts From Last Night

**This Is Why We Have Gun Laws**

_January 4__th_

_Diary,_

_Today has been THE BEST. DAY OF. MY LIFE. Oh my God. Oh my GOD. So I was sitting in homeroom with Ange and Ruby and then out of seriously, like, nowhere, BRANDON WYATT, who is SOPHOMORE, comes up to me and is like, "Hey, Sarah. Want to go to a movie this weekend?"_

_And I'm like, ummm, sure, do you want to be the father of my children and love me forever?_

_No. I didn't say that, because I'm not Rachel and I actually have a social filter. I played it totally cool._

"_Sure, I guess," I said. "Been wanting to see the new Harry Potter."_

"_Cool. I'll call you," he said, and then, no joke, he WINKED at me. And my head was like, wtf, who winks at people? but my heart just totally STOPPED BEATING because oh. MY GOD. He is so GORGEOUS. I mean, if you can wink at someone and NOT look like a total douche-bucket (*Noah's word of the week) then you were blessed by God and that's that._

_Anyway. Now I just have to figure out what to where, how far I'll go, and oh, yeah. How to get there and back without Noah ever knowing where I am._

_xoxo_

_Sarah_

_--_

_**To:**__ Noah Puckerman_

_**From: **__Finn Hudson_

_**Subject: **__DUDE_

_SOME PUNK ASS SOPH BITCH IS HITTING ON MY SISTER_

_HE THINKS HES TAKING HER ON A DATE THIS WEEKEND_

_IM GONNA STAB OUT HIS EYES AND USE HIS BALLS TO MAKE WONTON SOUP_

_--_

_**To:**__ Noah Puckerman_

_**From:**__ Finn Hudson_

_**Subject:**__ calm down!_

_dude you lost your virginity when you were like 12._

_sarahs a freshman, its time for her to start dating._

_--_

_**To:**__ Finn Hudson_

_**From:**__ Noah Puckerman_

_**Subject:**__ Re: calm down!_

_oh great example finn. because I definitely want sarah to end up like me, who GOT A GIRL PREGNANT._

_you know where that little shit is taking her?! THE MOVIES, FINN. do you know what goes down when a boy takes a girl to the movies? ITS DARK AND HANDS GO WHERE HANDS DO NOT BELONG!_

_--_

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Finn Hudson

**Subject:** Re:re: calm down!

ok ok chill. i'll get artie to hack into his school file and see what we can find out about him.

don't do anything stupid until i'm there to do it with you.

--

(sarah 12:00) noah have you been in my room

(puck 12:10) what no why

(sarah 12:13) because my diary is missing and you left your wallet

(puck 12:14) stop stealing my shit i want my wallet back

(sarah 12:16) i didn't steal it, someone left it here

(puck 12:17) so your saying someone broke in, moved my wallet into your room, and stole your little girly diary but left my xbox

(sarah 12:19) no i'm saying that you went in my room stole my diary and forgot your wallet

(puck 12:22) why would i want your diary

(puck 12:25) if i wanted to read about girls whining i would just read twilight

(sarah 12:27) is this about brandon

(puck 12:28) who? oh hey by the way finn thought you looked really nice today

(sarah 12:30) he said that?

(puck 12:32) yeah

(puck 12:33) whos brandon

(sarah 12:35) are you lying about finn

(puck 12:36) whos brandon

(sarah 12:37) you first

(puck 12:38) no

(sarah 12:40) i'm going to ask rachel

(sarah 12:42) and i'm going to tell mom where you stash your weed

(puck 12:43) i will kill you

(puck 12:44) and how do you even know that

(sarah 12:45) drizzle can sniff it out shes like a police dog

(sarah 12:46) did finn really say that

(puck 12:47) sure

(puck 12:48) and leave me alone i didn't steal your stupid diary

(sarah 12:50) i hate everything about you

(sarah 12:51) please go back to school

(sarah 12:52) seriously christmas is over go away

--

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject:** Brandon Wyatt

He's got a record as long as yours, Puck. I'm actually a little impressed

-Artie

ATTACHMENT:

--

**To:** Artie Abrams

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject:** are you questioning my badassness?

thats bullshit, i was way more badass than this little punk

quality over quantity, man.

--

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject:** Yes. I am.

Yeah okay, Mr. "I Forked Principal Figgins' Lawn."

-Artie

--

**To:** Artie Abrams

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject: **i've killed cripples for less

if it was good enough for the breakfast club it was good enough for me.

--

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject: **The brat pack? Really?

Are you Judd Nelson in this picture?

--

**To:** Artie Abrams

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject: **don't hate the '80s, it rhymes with "greaties" for a reason

which makes you Anthony Michael Hall, you gimpy motherfucker.

haha suck it

--

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject:** "Greaties" isn't a word.

Anthony Michael Hall went on to be in Weird Science, Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Got Fingered, _and_ the Dark Night. What have _you_ done lately, Judd?

-Artie

--

**To:** Artie Abrams

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject: **If "goodies" is a word then "greaties" is a word

transformers, i was the voice of optimus prime

and at least i'm not in a wheelchair

--

**To:** Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject: **Why does Rachel like you?

Honest to God, Ballmer. You have no culture.

-Artie

--

**To:** Artie Abrams

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject:** it's the sex

dude, wtf, nobody saw "pirates of silicon valley."

--

**To:** Finn Hudson

**From:** Noah Puckerman

**Subject:** FWD: Brandon Wyatt

i'm going to fuckin kill this wyatt dick. be at your house in 20

--

rachel 12:18 PM): Finn, what's going on?

(finn 12:20): what do you mean?

(rachel 12:23): I just found webpages about gun laws on Noahs browser history

(rachel 12:27): Finn?

(rachel 12:37): Whatever stupid plan you two are cooking up, just cancel it now

(rachel 12:48): I'm coming over.

--

(finn 12:51): dude she knows

--

(puck 12:53): are you searching for porn again on my laptop so you don't have to pay for it because i totally noticed last time

(rachel 12:56): What was all that about gun laws?

(puck 12:58): none of your fucking business. maybe i'm going to start hunting.

(puck 12:59): and we're out of peanut butter.

--

(sarah 4:17 PM): I HOPE YOURE HAPPY, BRANDON WYATT JUST DUMPED ME BEFORE WE COULD EVEN GO OUT

(puck 4:18): i didn't do anything

(sarah 4:19): so you didn't tell brandon that if he touched me you were going to turn him into cher?

(puck 4:21): oh, that, yeah i did that

(puck 4:22): but personally i think cher has some nice qualities

(sarah 4:24): I'M NOT A BABY NOAH

(puck 4:27): you'd think so by the shortness of your skirts

(puck 4:29): what were those made for midget babies

(sarah 4:30): midget babies look like regular babies, noah

(puck 4:31): what are you talking about, of course they don't they're midgets

(sarah 3:34): not when they're babies you retard

(sarah 4:35): and stop changing the subject

(sarah 4:36): STAY OUT OF MY LIFE

(puck 4:36): i would if youd stop dating douche bags, you have no one to blame but yourself

(sarah 4:37): I HATE YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD

(puck 4:37): love you too

--

(puck 4:31): rachel, how big are midget babies its important

(rachel 4:32): Generally they're normal size; it's about proportion more than it is actual height. Why?

--

(puck 4:33): dude did you know that midget babies look like regular babies

(finn 4:34): that's dumb, they have to be smaller, they're midgets

(puck 4:35): not when theyre babies!

(finn 4:36): weird, i gotta tell quinn

(finn 4:40): quinn wants me to tell you hi and that we're both retarded

--

(quinn 4:47): Midget babies?

(rachel 4:48): I regularly fail to understand the minds of men.

--

(finn 4:37) dude midget babies are the same size as regular babies

(matt 4:38) WHAT THAT'S CRAZY

(matt 4:39) why aren't they smaller, they're midgets

(finn 4:40) i don't know man, it's like science

(matt 4:41) if i were a midget i'd totally want to be on jackass, i'd get shot out of cannons and stuff

(finn 4:42) AWESOME

--

(Brittany 4:51): Matt just told me that midget babies are regular sized. Is he teasing me again?

(Santana 4:53): You're all fucking morons omfg why do I talk to you

--

(Santana 4:57): Don't tell Brittany that shit, you're confusing her.

(Matt 5:01): dude science is science

--

**To: **Mike Chang

**From:** Matt Rutherford

**Subject:** midget babies, URGENT

check it out, midget babies are the same size as regular babies

--

**To:** Matt Rutherford

**From:** Mike Chang

**Subject:** wtf

why aren't they smaller, that makes no sense

have you double checked this information with rachel or artie, because it seems suspicious to me

--

(Mike 5:06): Midget babies regular sized: y/n

(Rachel 5:09): Are you kidding me?

--

**To:** Matt Rutherford

**From:** Mike Chang

**Subject: **DUDE!

i just had a thought:

if it's true about the midget babies, maybe i was a midget when i was a baby but i grew out of it. we'll totally never know.

--

**To: **Mike Chang

**From:** Matt Rutherford

**Subject: **midgets

can you grow out of being a midget?

call artie dude, that guy knows everything

--

_Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Artie Abrams. If you are calling for J.J., you have the wrong number. If it's Tuesday, I'm at my Latin Zumba dance class, if it's Thursday I'm in Vegas, and if it's Friday I'm bowling. If this is a business matter, please call 692-364-0987. Thank you. _

"Hey, dude, it's Mike. I know you're at Zumba, but I've got a question. So when a midget is a baby, it's the same size as a regular baby. So… is it still a midget? Do you grow into being a midget? Or can you grow out of it? I tried Googling it, but I just found a bunch of fetish stuff, which is weird. Midget fetishes, that is, not baby. That's just wrong. Anyway, call when you have the answer, or just email me. Peace."

--

**To:** .com, Matt Rutherford, Finn Hudson, Noah Puckerman

**From:** Artie Abrams

**Subject:** midgets/babies

Hey, Mike, guys. Sorry I missed your call. The answer to your question is that yes, midget babies are the same size as regular babies. However, they are still midgets; it's just not visible until they've grown. You are born a midget and you cannot grow into or out of it. Once a midget, always a midget. It's just that at one point, we're all the same size, so it isn't noticeable.

For further reference, YouTube "midget babies dancing." That should clear things up.

-Artie

--

(kurt 5:15) if i get another text about midgets, i'm going to go regina george with my curling iron

(mercedes 5:17) boy, this is why white people should NOT be allowed to hold public office

(kurt 5:18) i heart barack

(mercedes 5:19) amen

--

(tina 9:12): hey puck I think your sister is sitting in front of me at the theater

(puck 9:14): what?

(tina 9:16): idk I can't tell, her date is like sucking her face off

--

(puck 9:21): grab your baseball bat, meet me at the theater

(finn 9:23): I can't man

(puck 9:25): quit being a pussy, let's go

(finn 9:27): the baby finally fell asleep and I haven't gotten laid in like, 2 weeks dude, forget it

(puck 9:28): I hate you

--

(puck 9:29): grab your baseball bat, meet me at the theater

(matt 9:30): be there in 30

--

(matt 9:31) beatdown at theater in lima, 30 min, puck's probably going to kill a guy

(mike 9:32) i have nunchucks and a powerbar in my car

(matt 9:33): really? that's so cool. Where'd you get them? were they expensive?

(mike 9:34): nah man not too bad

(mike 9:34): grabbed em last week when I went christmas shopping

--

(matt 9:35): dude mike's got nunchucks

(puck 9:36): can we focus, please

--

(finn 9:37): ok, on the way

(puck 9:38): seven minutes? are you kidding me?

(puck 9:39) dude, no wonder quinn wanted me sophomore year, that's just embarrassing

--

_January 6 – later_

_Diary,_

_Well, today was officially the weirdest day ever. It was going great until my stupid brother had to find out about my date with Brandon and threatened to give him an involuntary sex change. Seriously, it's like he thinks I'm still a baby or something. He got a girl pregnant when he was sixteen, and I know his school file had its own, like, filing cabinet, so I don't know where he gets off thinking that he can tell ME what to do._

_ANYway, so Brandon cancelled our date, which I was pissed about until I realized that anyone who can be pushed to tears by a 22 yr old with a Mohawk is clearly a pussy. And if there's one thing Noah's right about, it's that Puckermans do NOT associate with pussies._

_So pretty much the day was in the crapper until, get this, RYAN RECKS came up to me and said he'd heard about the Brandon thing and wanted to know if that meant I was free for Friday!!!_

_Obviously I said yes, because hello, it's Ryan Recks, and since Noah was still on the whoe Brandon thing, we actually got to go out. We went to see the new Harry Potter, and seriously, it was SO. GOOD. I mean, Ryan sort of kept trying to kiss me, which would have been nice except that I totally wanted to watch the moie, because um, hello, Daniel Radcliffe, thank you._

_Anyway, someone must have seen him kiss me (!!) because the next thing I know, I see Noah and his stupid friends (finn! love!) waiting by the car like it's a scene from The Outsiders._

_Noah wants to be Sodapop so bad he can taste it._

_Luckily for Ryan (because Noah's friend Mike actually had nunchucks, wtf?) I noticed them before we left the theater, so we snuck out back and he drove me home. We kissed again and then I wept up to my room to change. After like half an hour Noah came bursting in and was all, "Blah blah blah I know what you did blah blah I'm putting you in overalls with padlocks on them blah."_

_Then then I yelled at him for being a nosy, interfering jerk with bad hair, and said that 1) he had great hair, and 2) he was going to tell Mom that he found condoms in my room, and I said that he DIDN'T find condoms in my room, to which he replied that it was his word against mine and Mom was understandably sensitive to the pre-marital sex issue._

_To be clear, Noah didn't say premarital sex, he said, "bumping uglies". Seriously, Mom HAD to have cheated on Dad when she conceived Noah, because there's no WAY that we share the same genes._

_The point is, he totally couldn't prove that I was at the movies or figure out who I was with, so he and his friends (again, finn love!) had to content themselves with sitting downstairs smoking weed until Mom got home. Which unfortunately meant that they broke two vases and the TV with Mie's nunchucks, but, whatever._

_Ryan texted me to ask me out again for next weekend, but I said no. It' not that he's not a hunka hunka burnin' loveor anything, but I'm pretty sure that me dating would make Noah cry, and even though he's an idiot, he means well. Plus, I feel like if I can minimize Noah's involvement in my love life, I'll have a far better chance of actually, like, having one._

_Which isn't to say that I'm not totally going to let Ryan feel me up during our free period on Monday._

_xoxo_

_Sarah_


	4. Your Clothes, Less Heinous

**Author's Notes:** So, be honest. After "Home," who _didn't_ fall totally in love with Kurt and Mercedes? Because. I sure as hell did.

Texts From Last Night

**i'd gouge my eyes out if i thought it would make your clothes less heinous**

(kurt 12:15) did you see rachel this morning

(kurt 12:16) someone buy that girl a vogue, STAT

(mercedes 12:30) oh god that outfit would make beyonces mama cry

(kurt 12:31) that outfit would make LADY GAGA cry and that bitch wears coca cola cans on her head!

(mercedes 12:35) i have a recurring dream where i sneak into rachel's bedroom and set all her clothes on fire

(kurt 12:37) really? cuz i have a dream where i sneak into rachel berry's bedroom and set rachel berry on fire

(mercedes 12:40) LOL

—

(mercedes 1:00) if puck says dude one more time imma need you to hold my earrings

(kurt 1:01) LOL

(kurt 1:02) girl its like we come from the same womb

(kurt 1:02) where are you?

(mercedes 1:05) english. it's too bad hes so retarded because that boy can play a guitar like a sinner plays cards

(kurt 1:07) umm yeah … let me take a break from being in love with finn to note that i would do dirty things to noah puckerman

(kurt 1:08) as long as he promised not to speak the whole time

(kurt 1:09) and apologized for ruining at least four prada shirts

(kurt 1:10) and shaved off his mohawk

(mercedes 1:12) and learned some new vocabulary

(mercedes 1:13) and omfg had an std scan

(kurt 1:14) SLUT

—

(kurt 1:30) OMFG its like someone spilled streamer vomit all over this school

(mercedes 1:34) you saw the homecoming decorations i take it

(mercedes 1:36) i TOLD them to go with the motown theme

(mercedes 1:37) i mean damn, what does a girl have to do to get some respect around here?

(kurt 1:40) cheat on your boyfriend and get pregnant

(kurt 1:41) oops wait

(mercedes 1:43) ok confession

(mercedes 1:44) i thought quinn worked the bubble dress today

(kurt 1:46) usually i'd say blasphemy and not speak to you until tomorrow but she totally did

(kurt 1:47) for a pregnant cheating man-stealer without a soul

—

(mercedes 2:00) 1980 called, it wants mr schue's tie back

(kurt 2:02) then it called back and left a message: jk keep it, even we think its heinous and we wear windbreakers

—

(kurt 2:15) ms pillsbury spawn of carebears: y/n

(mercedes 2:20) carebears spawn of brittany and the leprechaun she lives with on her rainbow: y/n

(kurt 2:22) LOL how did i ever get through a class without you?

(mercedes 2:24) boy sometimes im not even sure how you got through fashion week without me

(kurt 2:26) tears and sweatpants

(kurt 2:30) and you know how i feel about sweatpants

(mercedes 2:35) only if its the same way i feel about plaid

(kurt 2:36) dont wear it unless youre a lesbian or a canadian?

(mercedes 2:38) i dont know, even canadians are pushing it. but that about sums it up

—

(mercedes 3:50) if mr schue thinks that im singing some lame ass 60s musical number about pajamas, he has got another think coming

(kurt 3:52) you go girl

(kurt 3:53) fight the good fight

(mercedes 3:55) i swear to god, its like white people breed bad music

(mercedes 3:57) i haven't wanted to cry this badly since mj died

(kurt 4:00) rip mj … one (g)love

(mercedes 4:02) amen sister now lemme get my diva on

—

(kurt 4:15) crisis averted!

(mercedes 4:35) for now

(mercedes 4:40) srsly that man cannot be trusted within six feet of a musical number

(kurt 4:45) or a closet i mean my god i'll have nightmares about that sweater

(mercedes 5:50) honestly its like he's blind when he gets dressed … how does mama schue let him leave the house?

(kurt 5:52) if he were my man, i would definitely make some changes to his wardrobe

(kurt 5:54) and maybe loosen up a little on the hair gel

(mercedes 5:55) OMFG i know … its weird how obsessed coach sylvester is but srsly it makes him look like david bowie

(kurt 6:00) lol or worse, john mayer

(mercedes 6:05) speaking of people who would be doable if they just kept their mouths shut and played their guitars

(mercedes 6:06) thanks kurt you always know how to make me feel better

(kurt 4:55) xoxo babygirl

—

(mercedes 7:00) my mom bought me a dress today that's too small

(mercedes 7:01) do you think i'm fat?

(kurt 7:02) mercedes, i think you're beautiful

(kurt 7:03) and one day i'm going to design stunning dresses for you to prove it

(mercedes 7:05) if i could turn finn gay for you i'd do it in a heartbeat

(kurt 7:07) if i could turn straight for you i'd do it in a heartbeat

(mercedes 7:08) pick me up tomorrow?

(kurt 7:09) 730 like always. i'll bring the style if you bring the attitude

(mercedes 7:10) please, like i could leave it behind if i tried

(mercedes 7:11) see you tomorrow

(kurt 7:12) night babygirl

(mercedes 7:13) night


	5. You Can't Clip Matt Rutherford's Wings

**Author's Notes: **So, this happened.

Texts From Last Night

**he's too big for this town, anyway; or, you can't clip matt rutherford's wings**

.x.**  
**

_**Application for Transfer**_

_**Name:**_Matt Rutherford

_**Address:**_1212 Sunshine Lane, Lima, Ohio, 44452

.x.

mike (9:15 am) just got back from asian camp, wanna hit up a sonic?

matt (9:17 am) uhh sorry dude i got stuff i gotta do

mike (9:20 am) like what? ps totally hooked up with tina this summer

mike (9:23 am) i respect her as a woman and person but girl's got a mouth like a hoover

mike (9:24 am) if you know what im saying

mike (9:24 am) (i'm saying she gives good bjs)

matt (9:27 am) hahaha yeah i got that. phone five brother

mike (9:28 am) FIVE

.x.

_**Birthday:**__ 5/16/1991_

.x._  
_

puck (1:30 pm) yo matt just woke up, u kno how to pick a lock? im stuck in some cougar's loft

matt (1:35 pm) i fuckin wish. youre just asking because im black

matt (1:35 pm) wtf dude i live in a gated community

puck (1:37 pm) so? im jewish and i got inside quinn's gated community if you know what im saying

puck (1:38 pm) im saying we had sex

matt (1:40 pm) dude why does everyone think i don't get sex references?

.x.

_**Current High School:**__ William McKinley High School_

.x.

mercedes (1:50 pm) did puck just ask you how to pick a lock because he texted me

mercedes (1:52 pm) he's so accidentally racist i don't even know how to respond

matt (1:55 pm) pretend he's retarded

mercedes (1:56 pm) that's not pretending that's real life

kurt (2:12 pm) hey matt, i didn't see your mom at our interpretive dance class this morning. is she feeling sick?

matt (2:14 pm) oh, uh, yeah, she's got a stomach thing

kurt (2:15 pm) well, tell her i said to get better! if she needs anything let me know

matt (2:17 pm) yeah i will, thanks man

.x.

_**Extra Curricular Activities (please list the activity and your role in the organization): **_Varsity Football (1st string running back), Varsity Baseball (pitcher), Varsity Basketball (Point Guard), Glee Club (Member)

.x.

santana (6:30 pm) party at brittanys, 10:30, BYOB or $10

matt (6:35 pm) don't think i can make it tonight, parents got me on lockdown

santana (6:45 pm) what did you do?

matt (6:50 pm) just school stuff

santana (6:52 pm) wtf matt school hasn't even started yet

santanta (6:53 pm) sneak out

matt (7:00 pm) wish i could. party down

santana (7:02 pm) party foulllll

matt (7:05 pm) haha fuck you. next time!

.x.

_**In a few sentences, tell us why you want to transfer to the Ryan Murphy School of the Arts.**_

I would like to attend RMSA because I feel that my artistic abilities are not being fully developed at WMHS. I have the drive and passion to develop my skills and nurture my talent, but there is no appropriate outlet at WMHS. Even the Glee club stifles me. I feel like I can't really let myself go and show others my talent, so I stay quiet and am reduced to swaying in the background. RMSA can make me a better artist and allow me to focus on what I'm passionate about, rather than what my fellow students feel I _should_ be passionate about. RMSA can give me a chance to really spread my wings and fly free from my WMHS cage.

.x.

mike (12:00 pm) yo dude srsly where ARE YOU?

matt (12:02 pm) i've been in augusta the past few days

mike (12:05 pm) augusta? wtf is in augusta?

matt (12:07 pm) my new school

mike (12:07 pm) WHAT?

mike (12:10 pm) wtf dude are you TRANSFERRING?

mike (12:15 pm) matt are you serious? wtf? why?

matt (12:20 pm) its nothing personal. i'll be back for christmas and thanksgiving and st patricks day and shit

mike (12:22 pm) 1st of all give up, st patty's day is not a holiday, and 2ndly why the fuck are you transferring?

matt (12:24 pm) i just think rmsa is a better fit for me

mike (12:30 pm) rmsa? how the fuck did you get into rmsa thats like… the best art school in the country

mike (12:32 pm) LOL RACHEL BERRY IS GONNA BE SO PISSED PHONE FIVE

matt (12:35 pm) FIVE

mike (1:40 pm) yo matt

matt (1:42 pm) whutup

mike (1:45 pm) im really gonna miss you bro, keep in touch ok

mike (1:47 pm) dont sleep with any more dudes cuz once is an accident and twice means you like it

mike (1:48 pm) unless youre gay after all in which case GET IT

matt (1:50 pm) i'll miss you too.

.x.

_**Intended Concentration: **_Ballet.

.x.

(epilogue)

rachel berry (2:30 AM) WHAT DO YOU MEAN MATT RUTHERFORD GOT INTO RMSA? THEY REJECTED ME _TWICE!_


End file.
